Friday, June 27, 2008

LETTER TO MY DIDI


My dearest Didi
Firstly I want you to smile. That’s good that now you are smiling. You deserve this smile. Let me tell you that this cancer is curable. I have been surfing net and tell you lot many people have shared that this is curable. I understand your agonies. It is so difficult to digest that its happening to you but looking around the world I find answers to my questions that many people are living with hope for years and braving this dreadful disease and so with faith and prayer on my lips I am writing you this letter. Other day when you were talking to me I could read your grief. And as I hanged my phone down your sob continued ringing my ear and I realize that how everything is changing now. Life is not turning out to be same. And what has happened has happened and what is coming to be believed is our apprehension and if the prediction is not acceptable it is because of our hope and strong faith in Almighty. No wonder if I too carry this magic word of hope and humbly say to my dear sister that you have the power to endure the pains and you can fight out this disease. My brave Didi I know the qualities which our mother imbibed in you has made you a winner. You toiled hard to establish your business. You single mindedly pursuit your goal and attained excellence. Your accomplishments are commendable. I am wondering that why I am talking this way…may be at this juncture probably the reasons of truth can explicitly define the sense of belongingness we subconsciously nurture and share.
Is this what I was waiting for to say that I cannot believe but yes I have to accept now that everything is not well? It is so suffocating to accept the verdict of fate as we foresee but it will not cease us to hope and we pray for you to brave the verdict of life. I never knew that our lives would turn into a real life tragic soap opera where we witnessed the lost of our younger sister in 1986 and thereafter our mama expired in 2000 and this year we lost our father. Isn’t Didi we were six in the family. Oh! Those were the days of innocence. Do you remember how we use to sit around mom to hear from her the tragic moments of partition and the horrific instances? Mom was so protective. If you recall that how I use to come to bus stop along with mom to see you off for your school. Though I have a faint memory yet I can never forget your appearance dressed in frock and the way we use to play. I remember your friends the two sisters Urvashi and Kiran in Kanpur Air force Station. That was not dream. That was real. We lived those moments. The day our younger sister got the first attack of epilepsy and daddy got sick on account of stone in gall bladder. We were all terrified but you as our elder sister gave helping hand to our mom. It was all destined and we all fought together to sail through the rough times. Our miseries never ended Manju's illness remained…rather it aggravated…but we were too na├»ve and innocent to understand the menace of this illness and its impact over the psych of our poor younger sister and mother too. Being elder most probably you must have understood that. You inherited the judicious wisdom of our mother for being prudent in life. And this early sign we noticed in you when you always use to save your pocket money. Didi do you still remember we use to travel initially for going to Manauri (where our school was located) on ‘IKKA’(horse driven cart).My dear Didi I can never forget the days of our Schooling in Allahabad. I think it was year 1967 I was in III Standard and you were in IX standard…Do you remember when You got scared on that day when our principal JP Wantoo called my name to fall out in one of the morning assembly; You thought probably I did some mischief…rather to your relief…you smiled when you came to know that I was asked to fall out in morning assembly because I found One Rupee Currency note in the corridor which I deposited with my Class teacher…our principal honored me with his encouraging words . You were so thrilled and I could see that joy and pride on your face…Hey do you remember another friend of yours…Ayeesha... It was real and we had our best times. “We had joy we had fun we had seasons in the sun.” As now I am recalling the moments of our cherished memories…I wish to unlock the period so that we travel back to our best time and relive those glorious colorful days. You were always a brilliant student. You were hardly nineteen when you got married. On your marriage we were all so excited and happy. What a wonderful days at Air force Station New Delhi. All our friends were delighted they came forward to make all the marriage ceremonies a great success. Just remember Mittu, Kavita, Tapas, Winnie, Simon, Gordy, Stanely, Shiela Chandran and many…….Time travels and we all got sucked into the rigger mole of life. Not knowing that time is waiting to unleash the fury of its unpredictability. And in this we lost some where our innocence too. And now with my sense of loss and apprehension I wish to regain the same puerile days with you. I wish to live to make you live with hope. My dearest Didi your bother Uttam loves you. Now I have understood a very harsh fact of life and wish to share with you that when time comes to tell us of which we had no clue of the actual impact of life we then gain an insight of our losses. All the given shocks of life may not have the potential to accumulate enough strength to knock us down but the shocks too leave an indelible mark over us. The shocking experiences conspire silently to erase our innocence. The capricious vaults of our conscious mind so foolishly weave a make believe tapestry of life and not foreseeing the consequential crises, which may befall on us. My limitation to understand this surfaced only when I got a call from you that doctors have detected cancer. Initially I tried to pacify you but as you narrated I realized that things are serious.
Why on earth we lived with differences? Why we worked overtime to exert vehemently to castigate the views, which was not in line with the consenting constructive thoughts of our mother? I did not know the irrelevance of such discussion or arguments. Yes when fear appearing to be genuine I find reasons appearing with a dissent note over my immaturity. As I go back to archives to measure life in terms of gain and to my utter disbelief I found that universal conception of dogmatic views have rather robbed off my sheen of innocence, love affection and compassion towards our own. I got sucked into phenomenal corrosive and absurd timidity of erratic mindset and I own up now that it was never a deliberate choice rather it was imposed on me or may be my acquired sense of insensitivity had not given me a foresight to look beyond my own corridors of perceptions. I wish I would have done that. With differences in our life we stood apart as stranger not knowing that there is a strong linkage of our relation from the same womb. And when now I see you sufferings truth is revealing our bonds are much stronger. The vagaries of life at times must have conspired to obliterate this relation but not knowing ties are much stronger to be weaned out.
In your last visit to India I am happy that you were guest of honor in my Regimental reunion. I am glad that you enjoyed your stay with my unit . I took you purposely to have a feel of Regimental spirit. I am sure you relished the treat of Marshall Tune of Battalion’s Pipe Band. As now I see those pictures and videos I can read and sense the joy on your face.
I know that you have a great husband who loves you very much. I can very proudly vouch that he is a true gentleman. As you couldn’t come to India because of your ill health at our daddy’s demise but your husband who visited and I can tell you with his matchless compassion and sense of belongingness he stood by us in the moment of our grief. And we are indebted to him. You have two lovely kids and I know they are grown up and now a full fledged men. With your grooming they too are excelling in their professional career. Credit goes to you my dear Didi. You did it and we all are proud to see you as very successful lady who dared to venture out in the field of business. Your entrepreneurial skill fetched you handsome results.
My dear Didi have faith in yourself and God. Mark my word everything will turn out to be good. You are a strong lady.
With absolute honesty now I would like to live rest of my life with one and only reason that’s to stand by you my loving sister. I need to stand by you and no matter what may come let me hold your hand. I pray for your long life.
Didi I love you.
Recently doctors have detected cancer (Lymphoma Cervical Adenopathy) in my Didi (elder sister).She is residing in Montreal Canada.


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